What Is The Actual Fear?

Last Saturday I received a sms at 4.00 am informing one of my officemate's father had passed away. Her mother also did just 7 days before. Her father suffered a stroke 5 days later and never regained his concious until the end. Some couple did lived and died together, don't they?

I went to her house together with 3 of my officemates. As expected, she looks devastated and her tears never stop running down her cheeks. I lost my parents in span of 4 years between each other and it tore my heart into pieces. Imagine losing both between 7 days ... i don't know if I'll live through that.

On our way back to office, one of us said that she's lucky because she had settled down and have a husband to take care of her and the kids. Furthermore her siblings also all had settled down with their own family. She don't have so much to worry. In a way she's luckier than me who still single and looking for decent job when i lost mine, she added.

I lost my words at that. It made me think and think again when it happen to me. The moment they closed my mother's and father's faces for the last time flashed out again in my head. Why did I cried? Why did I felt afraid? Why it made me lost my breath for 3-5 seconds? What am I thinking that time?

I realized... its not the fact that I'm gonna be orphaned. Its not because they won't be there anymore to raise me, to take care of me. It's not because they won't be able to support me financially anymore.

It is the reality that i won't be able to see their faces anymore that made me cried.
I missed their smile and laughter the second they left me.
Knowing that I won't be able to see them physically hit me so hard.
I can't breath knowing that I had just kissed them for the last time in this life.

For people who have yet to lose any of their love ones, I mean that you really really really love, you will never know how it feels. So much you think you prepared enough, you will only know when the reality strikes.

That moment, you'll know what you actually fear the most.